My internet connection has been down for a while, which would normally have done wonders for my productivity, except I was laid up with the flu for a few days and got nothing written anyway.
Normally when the internet goes down, I ride it out–it generally takes a while, but I have some oddly misplaced faith that the system will right itself. This time, that didn’t seem to be happening. I needed to call Comcast, but typically, I didn’t have Comcast’s number handy since that’s the sort of thing I would look up online. So I finally placed a call to Comcast from my office in Rockville, where I could look up their number then call them on my cell phone. My phone call went something like this:
Comcast: Thank you for calling Comcast. Please state the nature of your medical emergency.
Me: Yes, my internet doesn’t work.
Comcast: Did you try jiggling the handle?
Me: . . .
Comcast: Ha ha! I kid! Seriously, did you?
Me: The problem isn’t on my end. Everything here is working.
Comcast: I will be TOTALLY happy to help you with that! Please log onto your Comcast account and someone will help you immediately.
Me: Um. My internet doesn’ t work.
Comcast: The what?
Suffice it to say, the problem has not yet been fixed. While I had them on the phone, I asked to speak with someone about a problem I’ve been having with the OnDemand function of my cable, a feature that hasn’t worked on my system since a cable technician came over a year ago to fix a different problem. They referred me to their Live Chat function, where I had the following talk with a technician:
Comcast: Hello, I am DUNBAR3233. How are you today?
Me: Good, thank you.
Comcast: I am glad to hear that. I hope you are having an outstanding day.
Me: Thank you.
Comcast: Are you having an outstanding day?
Me: Can we get on with this please?
Comcast: I am happy to help. Please state the nature of your medical emergency.
Me: That joke has been used already.
Comcast: …
Me: My OnDemand doesn’t work.
Comcast: I am sorry to hear that. We at Comcast sympathize that you cannot watch episodes of America’s Most Violent Cake Wrecks on demand.
Me: Me too. Anyway, can someone come fix it?
Comcast: Account number, please.
Me: I’m not at home. I have no idea.
Comcast: That is not a problem. I have your account number here, along with your sixth grade report card. Ha ha! You failed math! No WONDER you can’t get your OnDemand to work.
Me: Get on with it.
Comcast: I am happy to help. Please turn on your television and cable box.
Me: I told you before that I wasn’t at home.
Comcast: Is there any chance your home is being burgled at the moment? Perhaps the robber could turn on the television.
Me: No, he’d probably just take it. Never mind, I’ll call back when it’s more convenient for you.
I love my cable provider.
Brian Jay Jones 