Consumer Confidence

My internet connection has been down for a while, which would normally have done wonders for my productivity, except I was laid up with the flu for a few days and got nothing written anyway.

Normally when the internet goes down, I ride it out–it generally takes a while, but I have some oddly misplaced faith that the system will right itself.  This time, that didn’t seem to be happening.  I needed to call Comcast, but typically, I didn’t have Comcast’s number handy since that’s the sort of thing I would look up online.  So I finally placed a call to Comcast from my office in Rockville, where I could look up their number then call them on my cell phone.  My phone call went something like this:

Comcast:  Thank you for calling Comcast.  Please state the nature of your medical emergency.

Me: Yes, my internet doesn’t work.

Comcast:  Did you try jiggling the handle?

Me:  . . .

Comcast:  Ha ha! I kid!  Seriously, did you?

Me:  The problem isn’t on my end.  Everything here is working.

Comcast:  I will be TOTALLY happy to help you with that! Please log onto your Comcast account and someone will help you immediately.

Me:  Um.  My internet doesn’ t work.

Comcast:  The what?

Suffice it to say, the problem has not yet been fixed.  While I had them on the phone, I asked to speak with someone about a problem I’ve been having with the OnDemand function of my cable, a feature that hasn’t worked on my system since a cable technician came over a year ago to fix a different problem.  They referred me to their Live Chat function, where I had the following talk with a technician:

Comcast:  Hello, I am DUNBAR3233.  How are you today?

Me:  Good, thank you.

Comcast:  I am glad to hear that.  I hope you are having an outstanding day.

Me: Thank you.

Comcast:  Are you having an outstanding day?

Me:  Can we get on with this please?

Comcast:  I am happy to help.  Please state the nature of your medical emergency.

Me:  That joke has been used already.

Comcast: …

Me:  My OnDemand doesn’t work.

Comcast:  I am sorry to hear that.  We at Comcast sympathize that you cannot watch episodes of America’s Most Violent Cake Wrecks on demand.

Me: Me too.  Anyway, can someone come fix it?

Comcast:   Account number, please.

Me:  I’m not at home.  I have no idea.

Comcast:  That is not a problem.  I have your account number here, along with your sixth grade report card.  Ha ha! You failed math! No WONDER you can’t get your OnDemand to work.

Me:  Get on with it.

Comcast:  I am happy to help.  Please turn on your television and cable box.

Me:  I told you before that I wasn’t at home.

Comcast:  Is there any chance your home is being burgled at the moment?  Perhaps the robber could turn on the television.

Me:  No, he’d probably just take it.  Never mind, I’ll call back when it’s more convenient for you.

I love my cable provider.

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