Booze Up and Riot!

In no particular order — and for no particular reason (I’m not even in a bad mood!) — here are Things That Bug Me:

* Child Actors Who Shout Their Lines.

Shouting your dialogue does not make it funny or more entertaining. Yes, I am talking to you, Cole and Dylan Sprouse from The Suite Life of Dumb and Dumber. It didn’t work for Larry Mathews from The Dick Van Dyke Show, nor for Christopher Olsen from The Man Who Knew Too Much. Cut it out.

* Debit Card Readers That Ask Too Many Questions

You know what I’m talking about. You’ve waited in line at CVS for twenty minutes just so you can buy a lousy Coke Zero. You get to the register, swipe your card in the card reader, and punch in your four digit code.

Want cash back? the machine asks.

You push the button for “No.”

>Total is $1.59. Is this okay?

Yes.

>Are you sure?

Yes.

>Are you REALLY sure?

YES.

>Cuz I can do this over again. Want to start over?

NO!

>Are you sure?

YES, GODDAMMIT.

>Is that, ‘Yes, I’m sure I want to start over?’ or ‘Yes, I’m sure I don’t?”

Wait, what? CANCEL! CANCEL! *mashes keys with palm*

>HA HA HA CARD READING ERROR PLEASE SWIPE AGAIN

Repeat.

* Learning That Wonderfully Crappy 80s bands like Loverboy, A Flock of Seagulls, Bananarama, and Men Without Hats, are “Back In The Studio Working on a New Album.”

Trust me, Haircut 100, no one is really all that excited about your new songs or a new album. Just sing “Love Plus One,” collect your check, and move on.

* Getting DVDs From Netflix That Skip

This is happening more frequently as Netflix gets more and more popular. Really, there can’t be that many people renting The Pacifier, can there? Then why does each disc show up looking like it’s been used in an Ultimate Frisbee competition? And why does every defective disc seem to stop working right as the movie approaches its denouement? I need closure, darn it.

* The Phrase “Whole ‘Nother.”

The word you want is “another.” That’s it. You say, “that’s another topic,” and not “That’s a whole ‘nother topic.” I know, I know — it’s sorta dropped into the vernacular. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t drive me crazy.

And while we’re on the subject . . .

* Talking Heads Who Repeatedly Use The Phrase “Drank The Kool-Aid”

I’m not a fan of this phrase to begin with, but Anderson Cooper must have said it 200 times during the Democratic convention — and the more he used it, the more his co-anchors followed his lead and dropped it into their own comments. Enough already. After ten references, it just sounds dumb.

* Those Weird Infomercials That Use Sets Resembling Larry King Live

Have you seen these yet? They’re usually for get rick quick schemes or dietary supplements, and the producers of the infomercials have very cleverly decorated the set to resemble a somewhat generic Larry King Live set, complete with the colored dot map in the background, the curved interview table, and the big microphones. Like we’re gonna be fooled into thinking Larry King wants to discuss the value of coffee enemas on his show.

Oh. Wait.

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5 responses to “Booze Up and Riot!

  1. “Talking Heads Who Repeatedly Use The Phrase “Drank The Kool-Aid”

    They always do this. I remember when Bush picked Cheney everyone was suddenly using the word “veritas.”* I wish they’d be original and “think outside the box.”* It’s time for a “paradigm shift.”*

    *air quotes

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  2. on “whole nother:”
    Actually, the phrase you want is “a whole other.” You still get to keep your emphatic “whole,” but you’ve broken the pseudo-compound word “another” properly.

    on “drank the kool-aid:” Time to throw that phrase under the bus.

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  3. Found your blog through a common interest in The Simpsons. Nice rant, definitely add in air quotes.

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  4. Brian Jay Jones

    Jaye: I love when everyone jumps on a phrase. I was at a PTA meeting once, where a woman stood up and spoke very eloquently, and used the word ‘behoove’ in her remarks. After that — in a ‘hey, I’m with the smart chick!’ mentality, EVERYONE used the word — until it behooved me to punch someone in the throat.

    Cris: A whole other is a whole nother story.

    Rich: Thanks for dropping by! And I hope you’ll keep dropping in. Like Bruce Dickinson, I put my pants on one leg at a time…

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  5. I’m sorry– late to the conversation, but it hit me that in “a whole nother” you’ve nearly got a rare example of an English interfix, like a prefix, only in the middle of the word. Almost. Very funny post!

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